“Self pity becomes your oxygen. But you learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices you’re hurting.”
What do you guys think about definitions?
Something that I always seem to want is to define queerness. Some of my closest friends and even my boyfriend tend to find ‘queer’ as being offensive, but I’ve taken it upon myself to find empowerment in this term. I see it as a way to not only avoid any mishaps when speaking with gender non-conforming or anyone with not well-known sexual orientations. You should always do research before trying to say something you are not a part of because you can easily offend a lot of people by not understanding when and where you are to use words like these.
However, as much as I can say definitions help us, they hinder us as a community. I feel that assuming people don’t understand your definition is slightly conceited, especially if that person is a friend or family that is not being antagonizing in any way.
So I started typing this yesterday but it was during a heated time. I didn’t finish it because I ended up just running away and focusing on food and final exams. So I began writing again today and realized it wasn’t cohesive. Hopefully another time this week I can write something that makes much more sense and has to do with my true passions, not something that is about simply venting my feelings.
This is my, what, seventh time reviving this blog? My desires always change, but that’s okay. In fact, that’s good (not in the case of writing this blog, however). In any case, I am now a senior and looking back at the few blogs I tried to somehow manifest, this one speaks to me because it was a place for me to write about my art, show my flaws, and express myself. I want that again, because not only can I type for a long time and quickly, I really enjoy the action of going through and editing my language.
I wanted to share a few things in this new post of a new year: I am now obsessed with plants and I have no shame. In doing so, I found a community that is just as fond of foliage as me! It’s insane how much people gather for the same cause all around the world. That’s what fascinates me about social media and about the internet in general. No matter what, I can always be comforted with the plant dads of instagram, the drama-ridden side of makeup youtubers and drag queens on youtube, and the relatable teenagers of twitter. It’s also a nice escape from my school life, which I think I talked about a few years ago on this blog. Plot twist: it’s gotten harder and has all been combined into one master class that all chemistry majors are forced to take. Aside from that, though, I feel like I’m thriving for the most part (no amount of comfort from my partner will ever seize the feelings of sadness and loneliness I experience from simply existing alongside my parents).
Anyway, I don’t want this new beginning to start off on a sad note, so I want to leave it up to my creativity, immense love for writing, and free time to decide what to post! I want to sort of make this an extension of my #plantstagram but I also want to post food photos since I am so obsessed with making my oatmeal, salads, and smoothie bowls so extra. I can’t wait to see how this all turns out, and stay tuned for more in the near future!
*I used to say stay crystallized, which is when I identified as icicle, but I’ve grown. Now, I take pride in who I am and am simply nicko. Call me as you wish, but I am having a blast. Peace.*
At times, the word society bores me. Don’t refer to everyone as one; put a minute amount of effort into pinpointing your perpetrators and giving them the blame for your distress. It makes you feel more empowered when you are able to have a viscous mentality as opposed to something that has less substance. You are never incorrect for your assumptions, despite what anyone says.
My romantic partner always tells me I overreact to everything, but I am here to tell him that I don’t ever. I simply analyze things in the way that I want to and if that is too much for some people then that is unfortunate.
In an effort to create a more fundamental mindset I am going to write from now on with my shuffle on because who cares if someone knows I have Ke$ha in my library? I feel like a winner now so don’t even try me.
Aside from this, I hope to write more and unwind. You should, too.
Find a community and stick by it to feel supported.
Until you do, stay crystallized.
This is my rebirth.
It has been the longest of times since I have last addressed this blog but I am going to try and make it again.
For today, sound is the topic.
When I hear your voice, it’s erratic. This sudden impulse to grab a hold of your being and pull you in closer. The chill that is ever so present between our breaths will only fade away with such thoughts. Never dissipate, my love. Our time is near, and holy grail what emotions.
I have been taking a lot of time to open myself to gender and its intentions in my life. I have also been hoarding lots of jewelry and clothing, or maybe just a few outfits in total. I cannot wait to see this come to life on this blog.
Until next time, stay crystallized.
I never thought it would be so difficult to manage a blog and be a full-time college student. For me writing takes a lot of effort because I have to dig into my mind to uncover new ideas and inspirations for these posts. Although I am a day late I am doing the daily post for learning.
Yesterday was the first day of class for me and I feel myself almost addicted to learning new concepts in chemistry and mathematics. For me knowing the hard stuff always struck me as beautiful and being able to tie in the things I learn throughout the class time into my daily life is truly spectacular (that is why chemistry is the best subject, just saying). I never liked history and that was obvious in my get to know me tag which was an essay, honestly. I cannot wait to indulge in the juicy matter that organic chemistry beholds but more than that I am also excited to having more time for self-awareness and judgment. Judgment is not always a negative, when you judge yourself you see your weaknesses and have the ability to mask and deal with them.
I still find true knowledge in the self and the consequences of this are far too grim. Sometimes we deal with it fairly well but other times we subject ourselves to torment, which is the negative outcome of self-judgment. Now that I am also living alone I find it very easy to lose myself in my own thoughts. Luckily I have the friends to bring me back up and distract me form this double-edged sword that is a single-dorm.
Soon enough my creativity will fully blossom and I can finally look at myself as a true warrior in disguise. A fashion wannabe in action. A true DIY goddess in the flesh.
In the meantime let me waste my youth on youtube and the library.
Thank you all and have a crystallizing day.
So for this week’s Sketchbook openings I have two pages done almost entirely with ink.
One night in my aunt’s house I was bored at a family gathering so I started to draw one of her plants sitting on her counter. I was very inspired because her house and backyard both have lots of foliage staring at you from every angle. With the excitement of being around lots of plants I got to doodling and drew some of her plants and created some of my own flower shapes. Obviously withering and decay is a common theme in my art so I decided to add some of those motifs in this page. The opposite table things are just there for space-filling purposes because my high school art teacher always told me I left too much space untouched by art so I always have that in the back of my mind but I find beauty in emptiness, so I don’t care about what people think.
On the second page I have an image of people kissing, obviously. Their genders are up for question because I drew on one of those basic tumblr girl chokers that I may or may not own. The glistening beauty this kiss possesses is something I covet every day of my life. LGBTQ relationships and their public displays of affection give me life without being in one. In the future I plan to embrace that aspect of my life instead of hide it and I await that day. It is untouchable, unreachable, and unknown. Those outside cannot touch it, cannot reach it, and for some people it is unknown. I created the faces on this page without lifting the pen from the page and I love that process in art. Creating messy yet articulate images.
I hope you all had a great day, stay crystallized, and I’ll see you all in the swamp.
That’s right, bitch. The human spirit is complicated.
At times I start to think what our lives would be like if we did not emotionally react to traumatic experiences. Recently, a friend of mine has been going through the single most difficult event anyone could live with. Death. Now I know a lot of my Monday posts are very morbid but this needs to be addressed. We get so attached to people and I enjoy it, no matter what happens. Heartbreak, rejection. Two unfortunate things we as humans experience due to reliance on acceptance. However, when we are rewarded with these blessings, our souls are replenished and true art emerges.
In our lifetimes, death is not to be escaped. It is something that is a part of nature and it genuinely sucks. As someone who used to want to be dead, it is not an issue I like to talk about. We are constantly reminded that we need to be around people and that takes skill. In all commercials you always see people gathered, celebrating life, that it takes a true analytics expert to see that solitude is also key. I read a transcript of a speech given to a school of JROTC students and the speaker was explaining how important it is to relinquish your social life every now and then and reclaim the silence within your mind. Not necessarily meditation but maybe taking a long bath, listening to Psychemagik, and scrubbing yourself with a mixture of oils, honey, cinnamon, sugar, and coffee. You’ll smell great and feel like a newborn child.
I hope some of you find beauty in silence because if you do you are probably already halfway there to being crystallized.
Have a great rest of the day and I will see you all on Wednesday.
Hi everyone. Sorry for not uploading this on Wednesday but I forgot my laptop at home, I promise to keep the regular schedule but next Friday I am moving in to my dorm so I’ll see what I post. Maybe photographs from my vacation at Marco Island.
So in today’s Sketchbook opening I have a very colorful creation that really makes me smile every time I look at it. It has everything I love in life: doily, rainbows, and greyscale. I found these doilies from a restaurant and if you look closely enough you can kind of see oil stains and grease patterns in the central doily. On the left I used simple black and grey watercolors and it was very easy to fill in most, if not all, of the holes of the doily. Since I did not use all of the colors I used on the right, it was difficult to add different shapes and not make it look too boring and plain. I first started to appreciate greyscale when I transferred to my second high school, Ferguson, because the uniform was greyscale. I love the color white and black and everything in between, so this side obviously means a lot to me. I also used this to represent how I envisioned my personality starting in Junior year of IB Art. I used greyscale to show my dark side that no one knew of me.
To make it symmetrical I used the same swirl patterns and placement of the doilies on the right. For this side I clearly had a lot more of everything to work with. I made sure I used the plain versions of the colors of the rainbow on the doilies themselves but for the little squiggly lines I tried to use variations of the colors and the blue hues turned out divine. Light blue tones are my favorite colors, especially pale/pastel blue and sky blue. I like for this side to be almost like a tie-in to my jovial side, the side in which I can present myself to my friends and be funny and outgoing. I never like to show the greyness of my life so this side masks the ugly and emotional parts of my life.
As a thank you for the constant streaming of views I am going to post some personal pictures tomorrow of my new crystals and a new bandana. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Luxury is something a cheap college student like myself does not experience often. I have found very inexpensive ways of treating myself to things that will help relax me. I usually go out for a nature walk and that for me is a luxury because in cities that do not have a lot of forests or swamps, free time in nature is something hard to come across. I try to take advantage of all of the leaves I can see billowing in the wind in the comfort of mother herself.
Being with a caring person also has proven to be a luxury. For someone that is sad, being with someone who is not in the slightest bothered by your constant grey clouds is truly comforting. I never thought I would have to rely on someone else for my emotional stability but that might be what I put myself in a relationship for.
One of my other things I enjoy doing that I consider a luxury is obsessively Rupaul’s Drag Race episodes and web series. Some people’s close-mindedness does not allow for them to be able to watch this so I find it to be very luxurious to be able to watch this with no judgment.
Also, I have been looking at too many DIY projects online and I am looking forward to creating lots of sugar scrubs in the near future. One of these Fridays I will be probably sharing the recipe I used and showing some pictures. Maybe I will also be dedicating a weekly post to a new DIY project? Who knows what the future holds for my blog but I am continuing it nonetheless.
Anything you consider to be luxurious can be if you believe in it. Just love yourself before you can love anyone else.
Have a great few days and always stay crystallized.